SIX

I regret it already, six years...SIX last Friday since I last said "I love you" to my best friend. I wish I would have written this on Friday, when my emotions were high, everything hits harder that day. Don't get me wrong, I still am crying as I type this but it's not the same. Every year at 8:35pm I feel more sad than I did most of that day. At that time I think of her taking her last breath, the clouded vision I have of us all in the ICU with her. I say this every year but my fathers hands on my head was the most powerful prayer I have ever received. On my knees, looking at my family, and I still think of my poor Grandma in Idaho, all alone, and to sick to travel down to say her last goodbye in person. I remember talking to Grandma earlier that day and she wanted to talk to her baby one last time "Just put the phone up to her ear" Grandma told her how proud she was of her daughter, for taking care of all 8 children, raising a beautiful family, thanking her for their daily phone calls to check in. I admired their phone call EVERY night mom would pick up the phone and call Grandma and Grandpa to "check in" and see how their day was. It was usually a half hour talk that they would just chat with each other and EVERY Sunday was the LOOOOONG talk and Grandma would inform Mom of the 8 children and the highlights of their week. Ash and I loved the Sunday update to know how our extended family was. We were to busy with dance, cheer, work, and school to call our cousins ourselves and we live all over the western states that Grandma and Mom kept us up to date! The reality of her long gone set in years ago, but the fact is...I don't like accepting that. EVERY single day I wish I could call her and talk to her, tell her all about work, friends, Terry, just life...I wish I could still call her and have those same talks! It was almost daily that I called her "MOM! Guess what just happened?" Or the calls she got multiple times a day "MOM!! I need you to do this...." and being supermom she just responded "Okay hunny, have a great day!" To be honest I wouldn't have made it through high school without her and my sister. I often would text them "You guys got another A, THANK YOU!" Most parents maybe would tell their kid to cut back on the dance hours, not do cheer, don't run track, maybe even not go out with your friends and get a job, but I was incredibly blessed with parents that wanted their children to experience it all! I was at school at 6 for cheer, school, track from 3-4:30 which I left everyday at 4:15 to be to dance by 4:30 to leave at 11 and get home shower, do some homework, and crash on the couch to only be woken up at 5:15 the next day to do it again. You would think on Saturdays I would sleep in but I was back at the dance studio when it was still dark outside, left around 2:00pm and would go home and do my homework for the upcoming week, read ahead in my text books so I knew what was coming that week. My mom stayed by my side through it all, encouraging me to stay motivated for the next day, friends come and go but family will be there for me forever, and to not forget to have some fun in life along the way! I LOVED college, it was a struggle, it's where I found myself, made my lifelong friends, and matured....ALOT! I still miss it, keep thinking of going back but to be honest when I graduated I had never been more relieved. I'm still not sure how I did it without my mom (I still remember the night I started to write my first paper without her help, one of my biggest achievements, sounds stupid but it was!)and I've only told Terry but my mom is the reason why I didn't want to walk for my college graduation. I know it's not fair to my dad, but I hate accepting my mom missing out on my big milestones in life. Childish, yes I admit it. I know "She's there in spirit" but it's the fact that mom made events soooo special. Ash and I still talk how mom would make us take pictures for hours after an event, but we love that she captured those memories, and I still do not like family pictures because my family is no longer complete. I know I should just get over it, move on, accept it but it's going to come in time. We miss you mom, it's probably sickening how much we still miss you,and talk about you but you were pretty incredible and I haven't met anyone quite like you. I love you mom, miss our cuddle time, you begging dad and I to change it off of ESPN for just an hour, Sunday dinners, actually you bringing me dinner every night because I was so swamped with life, but most of all I miss you loving me, no matter what!